Pirate - Not a Pirate (#1) - Cap'n Crunch

Pros:
Answers to Cap'n
Wears a hat
Captain's a ship
Has a saber
Has a treasure chest

Cons:
Likes children
Talklikeapirate.com says he's not a pirate
Ship is called "the Guppy"
Supports a petition drive to promote him to Admiral
Owned by the Quaker Oats Company

Verdict: Not a Pirate